Equestrian Jokes

FUN ZONE

JOKES

Here are collection of horse and rider related jokes from the depths of the World Wide Web...

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Novice Accident
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune..... Bill, the K-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, "This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience, this is ..."
THE NUMBER ONE EXERCISE TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN

Three race horses stood in their stalls. One said to other others: "I ran 20 races and
I won 15 of them!" he bragged. The next said with a snort, "Well, I ran 30 races and
won 25 of them!" Then the third horse spoke up proudly, "Yeah, I ran 41 races and
won 39 of them!" This seemed to settle the topic when the horses noticed a
Greyhound outside their stalls. The Greyhound said, "I ran 100 races and I won 99
of them." The horses looked at each other in amazement and one gasped, "Wow!
A talking greyhound!"

Q: What animal has more "hands" than feet?
A: Why, a horse, of course!

Q: Have you read the book, "100-mile Horse Trek"
Q: Who wrote it?
A: Major Bumsore

A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds his horse has been
stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of
you stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I'm gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain't outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town. The bartender walks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to bloody walk home."

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled,
"Pull, Nellie, pull!"
Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered,
"Pull, Buster, pull!"
Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded,
"Pull, Coco, pull!"
Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said,
"Pull, Buddy, pull!"
And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

JUNIOR: Daddy, there's a man at the circus who jumps on a horse's back, slips underneath his belly, catches hold of its tail and finishes on the horse's neck!
FATHER: That's nothing. I did all that the first time I rode a horse!

"Some horses are so polite that when they come to a fence, they stop and let you go over first."

The cowboy rushed into to saloon yelling, "All right, who's the wise guy that painted my horse yellow?" There was silence in the saloon. 'Fess up if you dare," shouted the cowboy. With that, the biggest, meanest-looking hombre he had ever seen got up from one of the tables, rested his hands on his gun handles and coolly stated, "I did, whaddaya want to tell me?"
The cowboy looked up and down at this terrifying figure, swallowed hard and replied, "Just thought you'd like know, the first coat's dry!"

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She replies, "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?" He says, "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." She is appeased and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. He says, "What's that for this time?" She answered, "Your horse called."

For the Race Lover
A chap at the bookies goes to the screens and checks the prices of the next race. There are only two horses in the race and it seems pretty uncompetitive as the favourite is 10 to 1 on and the other is priced at 40 to 1 against. Nonetheless, he makes his way to the counter and asks to place Rs 250 on the outsider.

Being a friendly sort, the bookmaker tries to put him off the bet and assures the customer that the outsider has absolutely no chance against the favourite but the man is insistent and demands that the bet be placed. The bookmaker tries again to convince the man he'd be losing his money but eventually agrees to take the bet and gleefully deposits the Rs 250 into his till. They both then watched the race on the television and, horror of horrors, the favourite fell at the third hurdle and the outsider casually trotted to the finishing line.

The customer was straight back to the counter and demanding his winnings. "No problem," said the bookmaker, "I will happily pay you what you have won" and counted out the Rs 10,250. As he did so, he confided to the man, "You are amazingly lucky - between you and me, I actually own the outsider that you bet on and he is such a donkey, even I didn't back it".

As he collected his winnings and made his way to the door, the lucky punter replied, "That's a coincidence, I own the favourite"!!!!!!!

Chief Steward
It was a typical bush race meeting, the difference was that there was a new Chief Steward on the job, a man who'd officiated at major city tracks and everyone was waiting to see what would happen at his first race meeting. One of the local trainers was in the mounting yard and the steward saw him slip something into his horse's mouth so he rushed over and demanded to know what it was. The trainer replied, in his best outback drawl " Well, yer see, 'e likes 'is bit a sugar , so I always give him a cube just before 'e races. 'ere ,I'll 'ave one just to show that there's nothin' in it." and he swallowed one. The Steward wasn't convinced so demanded that he be given one so that he could see if there was anything amiss with the supposedly innocent sugar cube. He swallowed it and walked away muttering to himself "Bloody bush bandits- thinking that they could put one over me" As the trainer is legging the jockey up he gave him very clear instructions- "Ride 'im in about fourth spot to the turn then let 'im go, and if anything passes you, don't worry, it'll only be me or the Chief Steward !"

Racetrack: A place where windows clean people.

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"

The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.

The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"

The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."

The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"

The bartender, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

What disease do horses fear most?
Hay Fever!

Why did the boy stand behind the horse?
He thought he might get a kick out of it

"Some horses are so polite that when they come to a fence, they stop and let you go over first."

Why did the horse go behind the tree?
To change his jockeys

Where do horses stay in a hotel?
In the bridle suite

What does it mean if you find a horse shoe?
Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.

What do you call a horse that lives next door?
A neigh-bor!

What kind of horse likes to be ridden at night?
A nightmare!

Why did the horse eat with its mouth open?
Because it had bad stable manners!